Chile changed me. What seemed like for the worst—evolved into a monster seeking her own happiness. Seeking balance I found myself in the polar opposite of my “norm.” My identity questioned, my life experience useless, and my knowledge fleeting…the will to survive was all I had left. One thing all of humanity possesses in every country on planet earth: survival instincts.
It may have taken moving 4 times in 6 months, saying “No!” at last, and becoming manically OCD to break through my cultural barrier but I just wouldn’t settle for “unhappy” and I wasn’t about to let someone take advantage of my weakness as I laid sliced wide open, bleeding out, awaiting a solution. I attempted to build the routine I once managed in the states and found instant-coffee, uneven sidewalks, and a savings account of 53 cents would not allow such a lifestyle. For a brief moment, I associated with the confused young adult scene, finding myself bumping with complete strangers till 5 in the morning hopped up on pisco gingers and redbull. No matter what face I put on I knew it wasn’t my own. But how could I find the “me” I had created, trained, and polished in the U.S of A, here in Chile…where 3% of the country speaks my language and approximately 5 fellow blondes reside?
When things weren’t easy and I didn’t receive the instant gratification of getting what I wanted..I grew bitter, quick to anger and impatient as ever. From the moment my feet hit the cold tile in the morning until I dipped my body into hypothermic shock entering my frost encrusted sheets at night…I despised this country which robbed me of my identity, my title, and my liberties of the U.S.
A humbling experience indeed.
This was written while still in the air, after the breakfast cart had awaken me Sunday August 15th roughly at 6 in the morning. I had little idea what awaited me but remembered the negative emotions I had left here with and the positive experience I had just had in the U.S. How do I link all of this together? How do I continue to transition and conform into one culture then the other? How do I define my ‘normal’?
Here’s the answer. You don’t define anything. You don’t analyze or link, nor transition nor conform. You just “be.” Be the Kendall which all of these experiences have created. The overly sensitive, stubborn, and loving Kendall that the world created. Allow the experiences to chizzle at your flaws and polish your brilliance. Awake each day grateful and lay your head each night filled with peace. Love yourself for what you’ve been through, what you are fighting for, and what you will soon accomplish. Let no one tell you different. Allow the universe to embrace you, your loved ones support to carry you, and the love of the Lord to surpass all odds.
I realize now life is a process and it’s all about patience. Nothing will be perfect at any given time but it’s the process of perfecting that’s just so perfect. I want to be good. I want to contribute to society. I hope to plant seeds of knowledge, encouragement, and hope in the students that I teach. I want to be healthy so I can live a long life beside my husband-to-be so I can one day carry our children and nourish them right, in hopes of having the energy to be playful and outgoing forever. I want to quit my indulgences and find outlets of happiness elsewhere. I want to make my mom proud so that one day she could lay her head in peace without a single worry that I may be danger. I want to have my Dad’s carefree and resilient attitude…and could only hope to have a few things I am skilled in as he has made himself a jack of all trades. I hope to make people feel special when they walk in the room just as my grandma does each and every time I visit her. I hope to be as wise as Ryan who has managed to do just about everything right and as patient as Tanner who was never very quick to get anywhere, or sure where he was going, but always ended up in the right spot. I seek these qualities in my daily life and find wonderful examples each day around me. I am so content to be in this world and so incredibly thrilled to walk this precious journey.
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