walrus in a bowling alley

Wow, it's been awhile, eh? Anyhow, A LOT has happened in the past month.

I finally hit my breaking point when I found myself weeping in Ian's lap without a single explanation of why I was crying. I felt so defeated, trapped, and hopeless so much so that the very thought of facing each day was crippling. And then, I knew what I had to do. I had to break free and make my own light at the end of the tunnel--I gave my notice at work stating I'd finish all of this school year's obligations as stated in my contract but would not be signing for next year because of my departure to the U.S. of A. in December.
my reason: financial hardship and emotional distress.

Both legitamate.

Since that day, the gray skies in my life have vanished. I feel a new energy to dream again, think about what kind of car I should save for, what type of job I'd like to apply to, how much I could advance in loan payments by saving money on rent by living at home, hugging my nephews, playing with my puppy, having dinner with my family..it all sounds so lovely! I dream so big to think of how I'll one day decorate my own apartment...and whether that apartment will be in SanFrancisco or Minneapolis or who knows, Portland, Maine?!

I feel ready to build my life somewhere, be a bit more stable, and perhaps grow some roots (I'll have you know that even roots can be uprooted, so don't hold your breath).

This year of living in someone else's home, with constant family friends and guests of the owner staying over--problems with electicity, hot water, and not having even a chair to sit on, has made me miss so badly having something of my own. I realize now that this year in Chile I suddenly felt like a supporting character in someone else's life story. Nothing but a set-designer in someone's grand opera. Everyone I love here is surrounded by their families and a culture they are a part of...I will forever be a foreigner in this place, with family far far away, and a constant handicap in everyday benefits of the common citizen: bank accounts, health insurance, permission to be in the country, and not to mention an accent I'll always have that people will have very little patience for and attempt to trick me because of the obvious proof I'm not from here (aka taxi drivers, hotels, and venders giving me the american price rather than the real price). People see me as a sterotypical american: having a ton of money, dumb playboy mansion blonde here to sleep with every chilenas boyfriend, and believing I'm superior to everyone else because of my country's status in the world.

As much as I enjoy my job, the people that surround me, and the incredible pacific ocean view everyday of my life. Nothing can compare to the streets that I grew up in, my dog running to me when I yell his name, my mom and I scraping the bottom of a margarita brownie, watching a chick flick with amysue, sipping a coffee with sarah, dancing the night away with ms.carr, being artsy with audrerae, playing a game of cribbage while droppin by grandma and grandpas house, chattin in the lawnchairs while grilling cheddie wursts with my pa, hittin up the little chute pubs with my big bro tanner, and visiting the most adorable vanden heuvels in the world: ryan, corinne, brock, tyce, and lily. I know that I could make myself a home in just about any corner of the world...but

This reminds me of an activity we did with watercolors in Middle school in Mr.Kettner's art class. We had to put an animal in a place you'd never find chosen animal living. I painted a walrus in a bowling alley.

and here I am a walrus in a bowling alley.

My mom bought my ticket back to the u.s. today. December 16th. I know it's going to be difficult to adjust and I'm going to want to be the walrus in the bowling alley soon enough, but I need the time spent with my family, with my people, with the cultural norms in which I am accustomed. Just to feel like KENDALL again.