learning so much about myself. I think it's part of being in my twenties.
2 years ago I would have definitely done anything possible not to have to be alone. I desired to be constantly in a relationship, surrounded by roommates, working a couple jobs to fill the free time, go out with co-workers before confronting the "loneliness" of nighttime. Even in college I had to be studying in public places, with music planning and a espresso machine screaming. I despised being alone with my thoughts, confronting my issues, or just accepting "me" was enough.
Well, then I got to Chile. Living in a house without a roommate. Traveling alone on buses and planes, sleeping in single bed hotel rooms--alone, all for the sake of work. The humiliation to eat lunch in a restaurant alone. Ask for a coffee to go and drink in the hotel room. I can count how many friends I have on one hand (3 fingers really.)The office is my bedroom, the kitchen has one chair, and just one corner of the shower is filled with just MY toiletries. I am facing my greatest fear: me.
I spend the days forcing myself to tolerate myself at work...working at the desk chair in my room, developing exercises, calling school districts, etc. and when quitting time hits I mentally scroll through the list of buddies I've got filled with enthusiasm to grab a coffee, get a drink, or just get the heck outta the house. Crap! My friends either work till 9pm or have night classes at the university. Alright, maybe I could turn on the t.v. a bit to let my thoughts stop tormenting me. But wait, I'm in a foreign country living the dream, what the hell am I doing watching cable?
Tonight in the hotel room in Vallenar. Just bought a box of wine at the corner market and the biggest chocolate bar they got. Watched "Julie & Julia" and felt like maybe I should be using all this ME time to better ME. I need a dream..or a goal at the very least. It's important that I feel like my life has purpose and I am working towards something. I like to see life as stepping stones rather than sinking sand. And maybe the anticipation alone will give me back my enthusiasm and the joy of life. I (made this conclusion this year) am a person who is more in love with the idea of something rather than the actual something. For example: getting married. getting a tattoo. living in a foreign country. buying the biggest chocolate bar they had....ya get my point
I should draw more. like a lot more so I can really perfect my skill. Play my guitar more...actual new songs rather than the same 6 I've been playing for years. Hit the gym more than 3 times a week...so these chocolate bars don't cancel out the hours of spin class. Get the materials to be bilingual certified...so all this spanish speaking ultimately pays me back for the hours I spent humiliating myself :)
Most importantly, all this alone time is teaching me to be "selfish." To really be concerned about myself and what I want in life and the person I would like to become. Starting today.........like the new look of the blog by the way? I figured it was time for change. Getting bored in my complacency and preparing myself for something bigger...not sure what. But I am going to show up ready!! Smarter, stronger, and stable. New motto: SMARTER STRONGER AND STABLE. Taking part in all behavior that encourages the three. And throwing out any behavior that encourages: STUPIDER, SADDER, OR STIR-CRAZY!
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