the termoil

today i awoke lathargic. my mind in another place. i went through the motions. heat water, brush teeth, change clothes, pack bag. realize i've run out of coffee. burn the toast. running late. i walk to the bus stop unable to bring myself to dig for my ipod. my thoughts cycle in my mind, entertaining the journey to the U. i shuffle through my things as my students file into class. a student interupts my paralysis, "profe, porque tan callada hoy?" (why so quiet prof?) I lift my head unable to break a smile. I go about class, my shoulders heavy, my head pounding. each letter the dry erase marker produces sends my mind drifting from where it left off. class dismisses. i head home to sleep a bit before my next class hoping I can shake this hipnosis. alarm sounds. get up. grab bag. back to the bus stop. classes in...i repeat the lesson as if a broken record. once. twice. thrice. the day is done. i need to escape my head. i turn my ipod as loud as it goes and run. i run beside the ocean. i run past the bus stop. through the park. sun sets. i'm still running. my feet beat the cobblestone streets of san martin. i break. a drizzly fog touches the earth in the darkness. my side aches and head throbs. i hale a cab and stare out the window. the cab driver asks where i'm headed. nothing registers. the man besides me repeats my destination to the cab driver to better anunciate. home. each throb of my head triggers a gag reflex. nausea. two extra strength tylenol. attempt to make pasta. overcooked the noodles and overestimated the garlic. my head still floating. where am i? why can't i seem to come back to my senses today? i lay in bed. i can feel them crawling all over me. anxiety sets in as i imagine the bed bugs, fleas, and spiders which so kindly leave their marks upon me each and every morning. my heart is racing. i can't calm it. head still pounding. i feel trapped in my body. alone. scared. panic.

1am. want to vomit. tear ducts filling. how will i ever get to sleep? what if's taunt me.......everything i miss pulls at my heart. i wonder if i'm doing the right thing. i question if i am who i am supposed to be. what happens when reality steals my happiness? what if it is impossible. what if the truth...is really more relative that actual truth. how can it be that humanity can be so cruel? so dense? so unforgiving? bumm..bum.bum. hearts beat resonates in my aching head! what happens when thereis no easy way out? which road does one take at the fork in the road when both lead to dead ends? have you ever felt like this every sensation you feel is dramatized, as if life is in slow motion...the brisk wind is painful, the smallest noise an earthquake, and slightest emotion, manic...and you wonder perhaps something has overcome you, something not of yourself..disease, demonic, disaster. panic. the strangest feeling that i'm not going to shake this. that he won't fight this one out. that i could be left with nothing. that investments only cost you life.